I was reading a semi-humorous interview that the had a question about regrets, and there was the usual response about leaving regret behind and living for the future. It was so trite , but ironically so damn true.
I was in a terrible car accident, geez, almost fifteen years ago. I don't really think about it anymore. A close friend who was there at the accident felt responsible. I told him that there were no regrets and he shouldn't have any either. We made some bad choices but I didn't hold him responsible for my decisions. I honestly never blamed anyone but myself that night. It was an accident that should have killed me. I always took that fact for granted when I left the whole mess behind.
The memory points to where I am right now, in the middle of a situation that is so steeped in irony, I'm gonna puke. I can just see a punk kid laying on his back in ICU, telling me to be glad I am alive. I have forgotten about that one while choosing to remember and regret other crap that lives with me everyday. There were no lasting affects from the car accident, none, unless I choose to look at the scars that are so faded when I see them I have to think how I got them. The mountain of regret I have put in front of me over mistakes and troubles that matter as much as the memory of that accident leave me as debiliatated as that kid was, as I was on that bed strapped in with an IV and a catheter and tube down my throat. Some of the baggage holds truely horrible moments, but none of them bled me or left me on my back for three days. There was a time when I set it down, I don't know how I picked it back up, maybe re-living old patterns more comfortable in memories that I know the ending to, rather than a future which has no fixed outcome.
It's been a long time since I was happy.

Damn it's been a long time. Been writing just not here and definitely not feeling very glib about posting my work here. Not quite sure if the medium is what I am looking for. Been reading Burroughs again. The guy had a grip on things that most people don't. Unfortunate that his vision had to compete with his personal demons. I don't think he would have been so bitter. I was listening to the radio one day on a long drive. As I was about to turn it off there was a line "everybody's got to let there darkness go sometime." I don't know about reading Burroughs again. His mind is a dark land and it makes you something of a Dante to traverse that mindscape. Can you Dante yourself through hell and and return unaffected. No, the question is whether it leaves you debilitated or renewed. I am not always sure which.
I was reading my last post almost a year ago. Well, all I can say is that if you find yourself in yet another bad relationship, perhaps it is time to examine the common denominator in your collection of misrable relationships, salvage what you can, move on, and don't forget to thank God that you didn't loose more of yourself than you did.
I had a dream last night that I kept wrecking the same car again and again because I was driving too fast on icy roads. At the end of it my girlfriend and I were shoveling salt onto a very steep decline we (I had been driving) had wrecked at the very top of.