I was reading a semi-humorous interview that the had a question about regrets, and there was the usual response about leaving regret behind and living for the future. It was so trite , but ironically so damn true.
I was in a terrible car accident, geez, almost fifteen years ago. I don't really think about it anymore. A close friend who was there at the accident felt responsible. I told him that there were no regrets and he shouldn't have any either. We made some bad choices but I didn't hold him responsible for my decisions. I honestly never blamed anyone but myself that night. It was an accident that should have killed me. I always took that fact for granted when I left the whole mess behind.
The memory points to where I am right now, in the middle of a situation that is so steeped in irony, I'm gonna puke. I can just see a punk kid laying on his back in ICU, telling me to be glad I am alive. I have forgotten about that one while choosing to remember and regret other crap that lives with me everyday. There were no lasting affects from the car accident, none, unless I choose to look at the scars that are so faded when I see them I have to think how I got them. The mountain of regret I have put in front of me over mistakes and troubles that matter as much as the memory of that accident leave me as debiliatated as that kid was, as I was on that bed strapped in with an IV and a catheter and tube down my throat. Some of the baggage holds truely horrible moments, but none of them bled me or left me on my back for three days. There was a time when I set it down, I don't know how I picked it back up, maybe re-living old patterns more comfortable in memories that I know the ending to, rather than a future which has no fixed outcome.
It's been a long time since I was happy.