It's been a long time. I have been in a bit of a rut. I stopped praying, I stopped training, I had originally started this to record insights and whatnot. Then I quit training completely, and handled only necessary responsibilities. I Never thought loving someone could make me so misrable. I hadn't realized how broken I had been, and how little I was expecting in return. How did I get here? Somewhere along the line I stopped taking care of myself. I worked, paid rent, spent time with my son, and pathetically stayed in a relationship that would never feel much love or intimacy. Why did she stay if she was so unhappy? Why did I stay if I couldn't give enough. I was trying to drive a wrecked car, but I wasn't in that great of shape either. This isn't about blame. This is about love and courage, and releasing for good the quiet resignation I believed in. My son and I had a great Christmas, we opened presents last night and fed the dog candy and listened to Vince Guraldi. This morning, after getting out of the shower, I was shaving while my son and the dog slept, and I stopped to regard myself in the mirror. I didn't look that beaten up. I looked tired and felt it, but all things considered I was in pretty good shape. Whatever my toubles were, they were over. She was gone, and I had moved on, a couple of times. My Christmas couldn't have been this good if I hadn't. I remember last year, and the crap. It's good to move forward. I had forgotten that I could anytime I wanted to. I would say that is my insight, that I could move forward anytime I wanted to. I remember a line of P.J. O'Rourke's about morose, endless, self-obsessed, first-person mewling. Sometimes that's just where you are, and it just is.