The pensive pentocostal.
The angels have visited my life more than once, I've never seen them. Unbuckling after every accident, I never saw them. Having a drink after every close call, I never saw them. Waking up after a dangerous night, I never felt them. Wheeling out of the hospital three days later, I never knew they were there. Checking myself and standing up the bike to get it rolling again, I was too busy sorting out how I lowsided to suspect something was up. I do suspect they left me to my own for my ingratitude. Maybe they never left, and while I thought they were gone, while I was working so hard, I saw that there was more to my luck than coincidence. I was grateful for my luck, and thought I had used it all up and the rest was left to me to make something of my blessings. I thought my good fortune was over. One last angel has come into my life.

I had a short talk with a close friend, which can work like a long talk with a friend. I was stuck on a few things and I like to talk to him because I can be really straight with where I am and what I'm thinking. In the course of ten minutes and some really honest conversation I called myself a coward and had more to complain about and most of all what I was worried about. I knew I had nothing to worry about. There was a horizon as golden as it was endless. The only was to loose it was to close my eyes and walk away.
"Then why are you worried about loosing it?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"Sure you do."
"What kind of person are you being?"
"A coward."
"Well, yes, but not exactly, you're being straight about it, but you're still missing it."
"I am being afraid, I guess?"
"Something like that, but not really quite that."
"I don't get it."
"Do you have a say in how things go."
"Absolutely."
"But you're not acting like it's up to you."
"Thanks, I got it."
"You see..."
"I got it, I got it."
"You act like you don't have a say in how things go. but you do and you know you do, but you....."
"I don't always distinguish the fact that I do."
"No one does all the time, it's just that some of us are better at distinguishing the fact everyday."

I recount the discussion from memory but that's the gist of it.
I forget that I have a say in how things go, everything. Victims forget, people who worry about nothing forget that how things go ninety percent of the time is up to us. I got in the habit of forgetting this. It's like quitting smoking. A bad habit to kick, and there will be moments when it's easier to smoke away a piece of your life, than it is to suck it up and tell yourself that it doesn't need to be that way.