What has happened? I feel warm again. Dumbfounded that I could want someone so fearlessly, so ferociously, so foolishly. I am The Fool again. For years it was such a treacherous endeavor, I've forgotten how to be new again. A voice tells me, "it's just like breathing, you already know how, just let go." There was a time when I was loving someone without letting go. It was a torturous way to go, and it only worked enough to leave me a junkie for it, always chasing the ringer that only comes the first time when you are still naive to someone's bad chemistry. But that's looking back and breathing life into an old m.o. And it was offered again. How could I return to the cave, put the chains back on, and gaze at the shadows on the wall as though they were real? It's been a long road and I'm not going back. And friends are not always who they say they are. The self-serving gash. People never love you as much as say they do when they want something. Love is love when it gives never when it takes.
I still have work to do before tomorrow, but I had to take a moment to write.